Watch Me Burn
by Wordy-Descriptions
Summary: This isn't a balancing act so much as a runaway train on the tracks towards destruction. The end is inevitable. The only question is when? When will it all come to a crashing halt? Shizaya.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Hello! This plot bunny wouldn't leave me alone so I had to write it. WARNING: this deals with abusive relationships and male x male interactions, so if you find that difficult to stomach then turn away now. I labeled this mature for a reason ;)**

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Everybody knows that abusive relationships are bad. Everybody. For most it's common sense. For most they don't understand the reason why anybody at all would subject themselves to something so wrong, so hurtful, so cruel. For those people they won't ever understand. They will go on with their lives and find the right one for them. The one that loves them endlessly with a gentle hand, and they will be happy.

But what about those currently in abusive relationships? What about them? Do they get a happy ending? You wouldn't think. Well some do. They get out and have an opportunity to start over. But it's hard to get out of something bad when you don't know you're in it. It's hard to get out of something that you don't want to get out of. Because when you so firmly believe you are with your significant other, there is no reason to leave, no matter what other people say. It's hard to get out when you know that you deserve each other and all the pain that comes with it, because when both parties know that they will never find anybody else, well, what's the point of leaving?

This is what Orihara Izaya and Heiwajima Shizuo tell themselves. They both know their relationship is so wrong. They know that things can only end badly. They also know that they are perfect for each other. Izaya, the one who destroys minds and bends a person's will to his needs, is perfect for Shizuo who is the one that destroys bodies and makes a person incapable of moving even if they had the will to. In essence they complete each other. It's as simple as that.

* * *

"Joking aside, I really am concerned, Orihara-kun."

"Eh? Why? I'm peachy!"

"…" Shinra fixed Izaya with a very stern stare. As the person doing the patching up, he could assure that Izaya was not "peachy".

Izaya returned his gaze with a serene smile of his own. He was being serious of course. He was just fine. So he had a massive bruise on his cheek, a broken wrist, and a deep cut on his collarbone. Shizu-chan just got a little rough last night. He had given him a stern talking to about it afterwards. And by stern talking to he meant that he had torn apart his psyche until he had reduced him to nothing but a ball of guilt and self-loathing. Two could play at the game of scars, ne? So all was good!

"Izaya-"

"Skipping the formalities, Shinra? You must be serious." Izaya smirked like usual.

"This relationship between you and Shizuo-kun has got to end. Enough is enough. You both tried out a romance and it didn't work, time to move on. Go back to being enemies if you have to, but please stop. I'm asking you as a friend."

"Cut the crap, Shinra. You and I both know Celty asked you to talk to me." Izaya was quickly losing his good mood. This fake concern from Shinra was sickening. Izaya was perfectly aware that all Shinra cared about was pleasing Celty. All of his actions circled around that. So he didn't want to hear anything from his friend—because Izaya did consider Shinra his friend, and his only one at that.

"Izaya, come on. Why do you subject yourself to this?"

"See? You're not even denying it." Izaya pulled his wrist away before Shinra could finish patching it up. "I'm done here."

"Izaya, wait, at least let me finish fixing you up." Shinra reached out to gently pull Izaya back onto the couch but he backed out of reach, anger in his eyes.

"What do you want to fix, Shinra? My body or my mind? Because both are perfectly fine without you." He left the room before Shinra could try and call him back.

He decided to walk his way back to Shinjuku, his mind still stirring. He was angry. How many people had tried to talk him or Shizuo out of this? A whole bunch, that's how many. He didn't even deign to count the number of stupid humans. They were the stupid ones, not him. He was perfectly aware of what this relationship was doing to him. He was absolutely aware that this whole situation was bad for both of them. Izaya also knew that he was too good for all of it. He was way above Shizuo. Shizuo was a monster, but in the time that they had been together—three years—Izaya had also come to realize the beast within himself. This did not put them on the same level, it merely served to prove what they both knew: there was nobody else for them.

The idea of being alone all his life did not bother him as much as it did Shizu-chan. He had been perfectly content with his lot. He loved all humans even though he knew they would never love him back—at least not to the extent to which he did. This was okay. He was perfectly happy. It was Shizu-chan that had started this twisted love story. He had come to realize what a miserable wretch he would be. Of course he wasn't as emotionally strong as Izaya, so this realization wasn't something he could handle.

It was Shizuo who had brought this up with Izaya during one of their fights. He had been the one to suggest that perhaps all of the rage and hatred they felt towards each other was love. Izaya had of course laughed at his face for thinking something so utterly stupid. However in his desperation, the brute had latched on to this idea with all he had. He wanted somebody to love and accept him to the point where he had deluded himself into thinking that Izaya was the one who would give him that.

Of course he wouldn't.

He would, however, accept Shizuo's desperate affections.

Because it was fun to have Shizuo as his personal plaything.

In the time they had been together Izaya had developed a certain amount of affection for the beast and vice versa. It had not been enough to stop the destruction they caused each other. They still hated each other on a certain level; they just had another outlet to channel it into. Really nothing had changed except the context of their aggression. When they were enemies it was okay that they would end the day with one wound or another. When they were lovers, however, any damage had the world stopping on its axis. Now they were labeled as being abusers and the abused. The notion was ridiculous. Their foundations had not changed. Everything was the same except the label. This was why the "concern" he got from people pissed him off. He knew what all of this was, they did not.

What was worse was that Izaya was made out to be the bad guy. It was unfair. Shizuo had started this whole thing and yet he was the victim. When Izaya had to get himself patched up he probably deserved it because he was an asshole. When dear Shizu-chan had a pity party and he needed someone to talk to it wasn't his fault, but Izaya's. Because he was an asshole.

Izaya snorted and rolled his eyes. What a laugh that was. People on the outside didn't know. He would not say that he was actually the innocent one, because he wasn't. He and Shizuo did the same amount of damage to the other. They were equal participants. They were both guilty.

* * *

Izaya opened his door and was met with the destruction from last night. Glass was shattered everywhere, his table was overturned and broken, his couch was on the other side of the room, and his TV that had been mounted on the wall had fallen to the floor and cracked. Drinks were spilled; food was splattered on the walls. The place was a mess. The only consolation he had was that his computer was still intact. On the floor, but intact. Shizuo had dodged the bullet with that one. He made his way to the bedroom where blood and cum spattered sheets and Shizuo waited for him.

The room was dark and quiet and Izaya could just make out his lover's outline. He didn't say anything, just stood in the doorway.

"Hi."

"What are you still doing here? You should have left a long time ago." Izaya was curt in contrast to Shizuo's more subdued tone. "I have work to do. Get out."

"Tch. You don't work in your bedroom." Shizuo stirred and he now sat on the edge of Izaya's bed. "You just don't want me to distract you." Izaya could sense the small smile in his voice but he didn't comment, just waited. With a sigh Shizuo stood up and began pulling on his clothes. "You're being a little bitch today," he muttered. Izaya's eye twitched but he continued his silence. He was not going to get into this again. He needed to wait for his wrist to heal, and he really needed to work.

"Do me a favor and throw yourself off a building."

"You trying to seduce me?" Shizuo stood right in front of him now, and he had to tilt his head back a little to make eye contact. The protozoan was smirking and Izaya did like that smirk, but not right now.

"Yes, yes I am," Izaya smiled deviously up at him. "That way I can slit your throat just as you cum. Sounds like a good way to go, ne?"

"Poetic." Shizuo's sarcastic tone matched the roll of his eyes. "I'll come back later."

"No you won't. I'm not letting my place get destroyed again." Really enough was enough. He was sick of having to deal with the clean-up.

"Fine, my place, then. Love you."

"That's unfortunate because I hate you, Shizu-chan." Izaya stepped aside to let Shizuo pass. The protozoan walked away, showing his back to Izaya so easily. This level of trust they had built up over the years would one day have to come to an end, he decided. One day, when the brute least expected it, Izaya would be sure to stab him in the back. Right where his heart was.

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**A/N: So with any luck this won't turn out to be ridiculously long. Thank you for those who took the time to read! Please review, they make me happy ^_^**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: So this chapter took longer than I anticipated because I realized there were three ways I could write this story. I've finally picked a plot so things should run smoother (yay!). I'm still sure this story will be slower on updates than my other one just because it requires a specific mindset. That said, I want to thank all of those who have read/reviewed/followed! It makes my day and I will take any suggestions you have and try and incorporate them! **

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"I see. Did he go over to your home that night?"

Shizuo shifted in his seat, trying to get comfortable. It was hard to do considering it was a plastic folding chair that creaked at the slightest movement. It was annoying as hell but he didn't complain. "Yeah. He finished early so he could see me."

"Did he say that to you?"

"Well, no, obviously not. This is Izaya we're talking about—"

"Heiwajima-san…" The man in front of him warned gently, but Shizuo continued anyway.

"He doesn't say what he actually means. The little prick likes to dance around everything. Screwing with people's heads and playing those fucking mind games—it's just what he does. I hate him for it." He did. Shizuo was getting irritated just thinking about it. That was pretty much the only emotion he showed these days. Otherwise he was pretty much just flat and empty and it was difficult for everyone to see, especially those who were close to him.

"You say that, and yet you were the one who started the relationship. I'd like you to explain that to me a bit more."

Shizuo shrugged and looked out the little window. It was a sunny day out and he could hear the birds chirping in the trees behind the building. A couple of white, fluffy clouds scuttled by, the cliché kind that reminded you of a nice summer day back when you were a kid. He would much rather have liked to be out there than here of all places. At least out there he could clear his head with fresh air—and he could smoke a cigarette, which was a conflict of interest but when you were an addict you didn't much care.

"Heiwajima-san?" The man pressed gently.

"I just didn't want to be alone anymore," Shizuo finally said after another beat of silence. He still looked out the window and his voice was a little quieter as if he were some distance away. In his mind he was. He was already gone from this place. He didn't know precisely where, he just knew that he was happy there, content, and it was peaceful. Because Shizuo was not happy here in this moment or in this place. Ikebukuro had lost its appeal.

"Did you believe that Izaya would give you what you desired so desperately?"

At this Shizuo's mouth quirked up just the slightest. "No, I didn't. The flea sucks. He's a horrible lover, but I knew that before I suggested anything to him." Shizuo hadn't expected much when entering the convoluted relationship with the flea. He knew him well enough, because he hated him so much, to know what to expect. Izaya couldn't love any one person in particular because he was so wrapped up in his sick, twisted love of humans. There was no way he was going to constrict his love to only a single person, especially one that he deemed a monster and an idiot.

The man before him waited for a further explanation of this but Shizuo didn't offer him one, his body language suggesting that he had said all he wanted to on that line of thinking. "Let's go back on what you said earlier, about Izaya not saying what he thinks. If that's so, how did you know he left work earlier specifically to see you?"

"That's easy. I know him."

"How can you know someone who hides themselves behind a mask at all hours of the day? I believe at some point you even said that he hides his emotions even to himself."

Shizuo finally looked back at the man before him, having decided to focus more on reality than what he wanted. "It's hard to explain." Shizuo ran a hand through his dyed blonde hair while he attempted to gather the words to help the man understand. The action revealed the brown roots underneath. It had been a while since Shizuo had bothered to re-color his hair. "I guess…" he paused again "have you ever been in a fight with someone? Like a real fight where you were just spitting mad and you just started saying what came to your mind? Like you had every intention to hurt that person because that person hurt you and it was your way of protecting yourself from being hurt? But it didn't work because no matter what you said, that person's words and actions still cut you deeper than whatever you did back?"

The man before him took a moment to think about it and then nodded slowly. "Yes, I do believe I have experienced that before."

"How did that feel for you?"

"I felt hurt and betrayed."

"When you said those things to get back at them, did you want to say them?" The man paused as he thought about how to answer the question. He could go down the moral path and say that no, he did not want to say those things. Or he could say what he really felt at the time, that yes he did have every intention to hurt the person who hurt him. When he didn't answer because of his indecision Shizuo smiled knowingly, just a little one because it was also a bitter expression. "I mean it when I'm angry. When I throw stuff and when I shout stuff, I mean it."

"How does this relate?" The man asked, tilting his head to the side. He was lost as to where Shizuo was going with this.

"Well it's the same for Izaya, too. He means everything he says and does."

"You believe that your actions hurt him?"

Shizuo shook his head. "No. He doesn't feel enough about me to get hurt by my anger, not emotionally anyway. He gets angry at me when I start throwing things. It's just something you can see in his eyes. He gets mad at me because I'm messing up his plans; I'm messing up his place, the moment, his game, something. He's mad because I'm messing something of his up, and he doesn't like it. He doesn't like when something he's carefully considered gets destroyed. He doesn't like that he can't really predict me so he can't account for me in what he does. It's frustrating to him so he gets mad. He doesn't blatantly show it, but it's very real and very much there."

"I still don't quite see…"

"Anger is a very real emotion. When you're angry you mean it. You don't worry about masks; you don't worry about what other people think or how you come off. All you want to do is hurt the person who made you mad so that you have some sort of small victory to take away from it to make you feel better." That small victory you get, though, really doesn't make you feel better. He would know since anger was pretty much his whole life. He was defined by it, and he hated himself for it. Not just himself, but also everyone who made him mad, whether on purpose or otherwise. He hated them because they made him into something he didn't want to be.

"So you're saying…"

"That when Izaya and I fight, we're probably the most honest with each other. It's because we don't care about anyone else in that moment except each other. It's not a good thing because our aim is to hurt the other. What we say and do is what we actually mean. That's why I know Izaya well. He reveals a lot about himself when he fights with me and I know he learns a lot about me, too. It's because when we're both angry there are no walls between us."

"But couldn't you also say that all that passed between you was in the moment?"

Shizuo shrugged. "I guess you could for anybody else. Not for us, though. After we fight and I can see all the destruction around us and I can see what damage I've done to him, I feel bad. Not for what I did or said, but because I let it out and let my anger control me. He feels the same. He doesn't apologize to me and I don't apologize to him, and we move on."

The man looked dumbfounded. "I don't understand how that situation could make you happy?" He couldn't wrap his mind around it in the least.

Shizuo smirked. He knew that this wasn't something people on the outside could ever understand no matter how he tried to explain it. But that was okay because it wasn't much of their business anyway. "I told you before that I hate when people aren't direct with me. I hate when they dance around the issue or they get too scared of me to say what they mean. The only person who's ever direct with me is Izaya. That's why I decided to be in a relationship with him. That's why he's the only option I have."

"But…the mind games…? You said you hated them…?"

"I do. They piss me off. He does it because he's a little shit. Sometimes, though, he does it to say what he really means."

The man was baffled. "How in the world is that direct?"

"Because I hit him and then we start fighting again." Shizuo said this like it was obvious.

"..." The man's mouth was slightly ajar in his confusion as he tried to understand the fortissimo of Ikebukuro's convoluted logic. He couldn't.

Shizuo waved his hand at the man to let it go. Nobody could really understand them and that was fine. They were not looking to be understood and they were not looking for help. It was fine…

"We do have nice moments." Shizuo added after a moment.

"You do?" The poor guy was still trying to wrap his mind around the other concept.

"Yeah."

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**A/N: I am a firm believer that Shizuo is a lot smarter than people give him credit for. I believe that once you can get him talking he'll drop the simple sentences and tell you what's really going on inside that head of his. I also believe that his logic is so straight forward it isn't, you know? Sorry if this confused any of you ^_^' If you have any questions I am happy to clear them up as long as I know I won't reveal the answer later on. THANK YOU to everyone again for taking the time to read this!**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Whew! I finally managed to bang this one out! Thank you to everyone who has reviewed/liked/favorited/followed this story! You guys really make me happy and boost my spirits!**

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Izaya blinked when he walked in the door. He had just gotten back from a pretty simple information deal. The guy just wanted to know if his wife was cheating on him, the same old boring shit. So to spice it up Izaya told him that she was and provided convincingly fake evidence. Taking on information broking as a full time profession not only gave Izaya the ability to find answers, but to create some of his own. It really was a dangerous skill to have in the hands of someone who was more off his rocker than the average person. But what was he talking about? He was above his beloved humans. He was reaching to become a god after all.

Anyway back to the matter at hand. "Shizu-chan can cook?" He asked with an interested smirk. Something clattered to the floor and Shizuo cursed hell and the world. "Or maybe not," Izaya amended with a shrug. He left his shoes at the door and headed over to the tiny kitchen area where his dear Shizu-chan looked like he was struggling.

"Welcome back." Shizuo tossed the greeting over his shoulder while he struggled with something that looked oddly like an ice cream maker. "Fuck! Just work already, dammit!"

"I'll have you know I have been," Izaya said in mock offense. His eyes took in the scene with utter amusement while he took a seat at the small, two person table. Shizuo's kitchen was a disaster. Pots and pans were everywhere and the residue of some unknown recipe was splattered about. Something smelled like it was burning on the stove while another something was cooking in the oven beneath it.

"I wasn't talking to you," Shizuo growled while he continued to wrestle with the machine. With a click, the sound of something grinding into action, and a triumphant "Hah! That's right, bitch!" Shizuo fully turned around to face Izaya. "Hi," he said with a smile.

Izaya returned it easily. "Hello. What's the occasion?" He quickly ran through dates in his head. They were nowhere near anything couples would call "special." Then again they weren't an average couple to begin with. Personally, Izaya didn't even see himself in a relationship. He had accepted Shizuo as his plaything, not as his soul mate. There was a big difference there. He did have a certain amount of affection for the beast but it was more akin to the feelings one had for a favorite toy. That was all there was to it, nothing more, nothing less. After all he could never devote his affections to a single being. His beloved humans deserved all of his love, not the leftovers. That was Izaya's take on it anyway. He knew that Shizuo's was a bit different—hah. Shizuo loved him. Poor thing. Izaya almost pitied him. Almost. The thing was it was hard to feel sorry for someone who, for most of his life, tried to kill him—oops. Scratch that,_ still_ tries to kill him—and for no prior reason at all! He wasn't even given a chance. Shizu-chan just decided he hated him on the spot. Oh well, no point crying over spilt milk.

There was a point in keeping up appearances, though. Shizuo had some pretty big opinions on love. It made sense since the beast had been searching for it all his life. If he found out that Izaya had pretty much been screwing with him the entire time then he was a dead man. For real this time. Izaya loved his life and wasn't eager to see it get snuffed out so he made sure to be careful. Shizuo needed to be convinced he was loved back. To be sure, Izaya had been doing a pretty damn good job at it, too. Hell he sometimes even managed to convince himself he loved the beast.

"No occasion, just wanted to do something nice." Shizuo said to him, sitting down on the spare seat to take a breather.

Izaya raised an eyebrow. "Oh?" They must have hit their honeymoon phase then. The outside world had labeled their relationship as abusive. While Izaya didn't agree, he did see the similarities of it all. They had periods where they hurt one another and they had periods where they were nice.

"Well I did want to apologize for ruining your house," Shizuo added when he sensed that Izaya expected a further motive.

Izaya nodded but the reason didn't appease him. "Just my home? What about my body, Shizu-chan? That could certainly use an apology." He pointed to his side when he said this. It wasn't visible since he had a shirt on, but he was wounded there. He had gauze wrapped around his sides multiple times to keep things in place. Dear Shizu-chan cracked three of his ribs a week ago. Isn't that sweet?

Shizuo didn't comment, though. He just stared for a moment and when a buzzer sounded he got up to get whatever was done. "You'll live" was the only consolation he offered which ticked Izaya off. That damn brute had done so much damage to his body and not once was he given a single apology. Not once. Izaya was slowly growing sick of it. Yeah, sure, Shizuo was a good fuck. Yeah, sure, the brute came in handy for certain things. Yeah, sure, Izaya liked taking advantage of him on many levels. However he was starting to get sick of the beatings that resulted. This time he hadn't even done anything! Screw the fact that he sounded like a poor little victim. It wasn't about that. It was about the fact that he had just been there at the wrong time when Shizuo's aggression and, as a result, sexual frustration was at its peak. He didn't mind reaping what he sowed when it was his own doing, but Izaya would be damned if Shizuo thought he was a punching bag, because he wasn't.

"You're so sweet," he said sarcastically. Shizuo's back was to him and he was toying with the idea of throwing his knife at him. Oh how it tempted him so…

"I better be sweet," Shizuo said, brushing off Izaya's sarcasm easily. "I went through all this shit for you."

Izaya rolled his eyes. "Please. Chances are you're hungry, too."

"I could have just made enough for myself."

"That's true, but I could have just gone straight home instead of coming all the way here to see you. So who's the sweet one here, ne?"

Shizuo clicked his teeth. "Whatever." Izaya deflated a little. He hated when Shizuo wasn't up for an argument. Believe it or not it happened sometimes, especially when he was trying to be nicer. Honeymoon phase, remember? In other words it was boring as hell.

"I'll take that as a victory. I'm the sweeter one~!" He said in a sing-song voice even though he was mentally throwing daggers. Irritated as he was, he wasn't about to end the temporary, unspoken peace treaty. He was still healing not only his side but various other wounds so he wasn't up for anything physically straining. He found it funny how he never actually started getting hurt on a regular basis until he started "dating" Shizuo.

"So what's on the menu, Shizu-chan?" he asked once he'd gotten his irritation back in check.

"See for yourself." Shizuo set down a plate of lasagna with macaroni and garlic bread.

Izaya stared at the plate. Considering the chaos he had walked into, the end product really didn't look all that bad. "Macaroni? Shizu-chan you know that doesn't go with lasagna right? You can't have two pastas on one plate."

"Why not?" Shizuo didn't seem to care for he was always scarfing it down.

"Because that puts the whole universe out of alignment!"

"I thought our relationship did that?"

"It does," he conceded, "but two pastas on the same plate have the same effect. Now you're really throwing things off kilter."

Shizuo smiled a bit around his fork. "Worth it."

Izaya was pretty sure what Shizuo was implying there, but decided to ignore it. "What are you going to do when the world goes to hell, hmm?"

Shizuo shrugged. "Don't know. I don't think I have much to worry about, though."

Izaya tilted his head to the side. "Why is that?"

"'Cause I'm practically indestructible." The way he said it revealed a bit of the internal disgust he had for himself. Izaya of course ate it up because he was a self-proclaimed bastard. Shizuo didn't notice the brief expression of glee since he had looked down at his plate to take a moment to get all self-pitying.

"Well you and your indestructible self can help me with this next job, ne?" Izaya didn't offer Shizuo any comfort. It was not his forte for one thing, but it also wasn't his job to boost his self-esteem whenever he needed it. Izaya was there to use him. That was all. He couldn't exactly be called out on it since Izaya knew Shizuo wasn't expecting much to change between them other than the fact that it was socially acceptable to have sex and be all…"couple-y."

Shizuo looked up at him. "What do you mean by that?"

"Well Shiki-san needs help and things could get pretty dangerous. I figure since you're my boyfriend and all," at this Izaya mentally gagged, "it shouldn't be a problem offering me your assistance."

"Hell no," Shizuo said at once.

Izaya pouted in hopes it would work. "Why not? What if I get hurt?"

"Then that's your own damn fault. I thought I told you to stop meddling in that yakuza shit."

Izaya dropped his expression to replace it with an irritated one. "And I thought I told you that wasn't going to happen? What the hell gives you the right to tell me what I can and can't do for a living?"

"I just want you to be safe, that's all."

"No you just want to be all macho. Just because I let you stick your dick in me does not mean that you can use that to dictate other parts of my life. I do whatever the hell I want when I want."

Shizuo ground his teeth together. "I'm not trying to control you."

"Yes you are. You're turning into one of those paranoid boyfriend types which, for the record, is _so_ not attractive."

Shizuo slammed his fork down on the plate, causing both items to crack. "What the fuck? That's not true! What the hell is wrong with worrying a little, Izaya?"

Izaya was not fazed by the accidental show of strength. "What kind of worrying is that? Telling me to find a safer job makes you feel better, but when I ask for your protection to ensure my safety you say go to hell? That's fucked up."

"Don't put words in my mouth," he snapped.

"I'll put them wherever the hell I want since you're too stupid to use them anyway," he snapped back. He had just enough time to duck before the cracked plate could make contact with his head. "Oh real mature," he sneered as he sat back up again with his knife now in his hand. "You're only proving my point, _Shizu-chan_."

"Why don't you go to hell_, flea_?"

"Heh. I'm on my way and you'll end up right there with me." He smiled at him but there was no happiness there, just anger.

"If that little deal of yours falls through then you'll be there sooner than I will. Good riddance to ya."

He pointed his knife at him. "You'll miss me, Shizu-chan."

"Nobody would miss a smarmy bastard like you!" He shouted, his temper now beginning to overflow. "Hell I'll probably be the first in a long line to dance on your grave!"

Izaya smiled wider to conceal the hurt that had caused him. "I see. Then all this was a lie then?" He chuckled a bit. "I guess it's true that Shizu-chan is incapable of love. Here I am the only person to ever bother to try and be in a relationship with you and all you can do is fuck it up like you do everything else." It was kind of ironic considering the fact that Izaya wasn't trying at all. He actually found it funny that Shizuo even managed to ruin a fake relationship. How fitting, ne? "You're absolutely hopeless!" He started laughing. "Shizu-chan is forever alone no matter how hard he tries!" He was in the middle of laughing when the table was thrown at him. It hit him with the force of a train and he flew backwards and crashed into the far wall. He pushed it off of him with a concealed groan while making sure that the smirk Shizuo hated was still plastered to his face. "Oh? Did I hit a nerve, Shizu-chan?" Because you hit one of mine, he thought. The fact that Shizuo had the ability to cut him with words pissed him off. He, Izaya, was the only one allowed to do that. It was how their game worked. Shizuo hurt him physically and he hurt him mentally. He did not like that Shizuo took the cake with both this time around.

"I HATE YOU!" Shizuo screamed as he threw the coffee table at him. Izaya managed to dodge this one since he could see it coming. He pulled out a spare knife and threw it at Shizuo like a dart. He watched as the monster before him caught it in midair. Izaya dodged to the right when Shizuo tried to throw it back at him. The dart speared itself into the wall, causing the plaster to crack in a spider-web-like formation.

"That's unfortunate because I love you, Shizu-chan," Izaya said, knowing that would stab the fucking protozoan once he was left alone with his own destruction. He looked around for a means of escape. The door was blocked thanks to the coffee table so all he had left was the window. He hated fighting the beast in such close quarters. It made the chances of Shizuo catching him that much greater. He needed to leave now. He ran towards the window with Shizuo right on his heels. He dodged and ducked the attacks from behind. Plates, pictures, shoes, basically anything Shizuo could get his hands on slammed into walls and other things as Izaya evaded each one. He practically dove out the window and he felt the rush of air as Shizuo's hand just barely missed grasping onto his ankle.

He grabbed onto the gutter on the side of the apartment and allowed himself to slide all the way down, ignoring the searing burn on his palms from the friction. Once he was on the ground Izaya high-tailed it out of there, not wanting to stick around. He already felt warmth on his shoulder that signaled one of his wounds had reopened. His cracked ribs weren't fairing much better either thanks to the physical exertion. He didn't stop running, though, and Shizuo's scream followed him out of Ikebukuro.

"IIIIIZAAAAAAYAAAAAA!"

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**A/N: Thank you again for reading! Please review! They help keep those creative juices flowing ;)**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Yay next chapter! It's short I know but it's mostly a set-up chapter. I hope you enjoy anyway~!**

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"How often had his job become an issue between you two?"

"About as often as anything else, really. What does it matter to you?"

"Well I'm just trying to understand it all. What exactly causes you to fight? What makes you do it so often and why are you ever okay with it?"

Shizuo let out a huff and he looked away for a second and then back at the man before him in an impatient way. "I've told you this already."

The man nodded slowly in agreement but also just a tad condescendingly. "Yes…and I still don't understand it."

"Well you don't have to." Shizuo reached into his pocket for a pack of cigarettes. They hadn't been talking long but this guy was already starting to piss him off. It didn't happen all that often, the guy was generally pretty okay and good at not being annoying, but sometimes he was just so…_dense_. It was funny to him because he, Shizuo, was calling someone else slower than himself.

"You won't find any cigarettes, Shizuo-san. They were confiscated from you, don't you remember?"

"…" Shizuo paused in his movements, his hand already in his pocket where his nicotine relief was usually kept. He was right. His hand brushed nothing but lint. He slowly settled back in his chair, his expression darker. "Give me my smokes."

The man raised his hands innocently. "I don't have them. I don't have any for that matter since I don't smoke." The way the guy said it…well it sounded like a dig.

"What do you have against smoking, ah?"

The man blinked. "Me? Oh nothing, it's just not my thing."

Shizuo leaned forward and the man leaned back, already sensing the strained energy directed at him. It was quite intimidating and the guy could feel his heart race a little faster and the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. "Then you have no right to be judging me," Shizuo growled, his voice low and final. He did not like being judged because all those who did were nothing but self-righteous assholes. They had no idea what his life was like so it was wrong to take one incident, whether that was his violent outbursts or his tendency to smoke, and apply it to his character. It was ignorant and unfair, simple as that.

Shizuo leaned back and folded his arms across his chest and looked out the window again. There was silence between them, the only sound being the birds outside. They sounded cheerful, those birds. Shizuo kind of wished he were like them, not a bird, but just…happy and free; free from everything, especially the guilt. It was the hardest to live with.

"…why do you smoke, Shizuo-san?" The man asked tentatively, all traces of his earlier disdain erased away. He did not want to anger this caged beast before him. He knew he wasn't near close to strong enough to defend himself if he did.

"It keeps me calm." Shizuo still hadn't turned away from the window and there was still so much tension that swirled around him. The analogy of a caged animal truly felt more like the real thing. There was an unbalance to Shizuo that made anyone near him nervous. The energy he exuded wasn't obvious all of the time, for the most part the man himself and the person affected never really noticed that their muscles were a little too tight, it was unconscious. But at times like these, the pressure in the room and the physical strain was practically shoved in a person's face.

"Why do you feel the need to stay calm all the time? Wouldn't it best to just have a…catharsis? Wouldn't that make you feel better?"

Shizuo smirked humorlessly. "Catharsis? What is that, some fancy term for throwing shit in a blind rage?"

The man smiled in return. "Yeah, I guess you could say that."

"Well I don't like throwing shit. It doesn't make me feel good in the end. It makes me feel like a monster and who ever wants to feel that way?"

"So you'd rather blacken your lungs?"

Shizuo turned to glare at the man. "Yeah. I'd rather do that. But if that's not your thing why don't I just have one of those catharses and throw you against that wall behind you?"

The man gulped. He did not turn around to look at the very particular solid brick wall Shizuo was suggesting because he did not feel it a wise decision to look away from this man. When he didn't answer, his frightened silence doing all the talking for him, Shizuo nodded stiffly and sneered "Yeah, I didn't think you'd like that very much."

More silence followed, Shizuo eventually dropping his gaze to look at his hands in front of him which were clenched tightly together. The man didn't move for a moment before he decided now would be a good time to go. Obviously the fortissimo of Ikebukuro was in a particularly bad mood today and the man felt if he sat and chatted a little longer then the guy would probably snap.

He left as quietly as he could but Shizuo heard him anyway. He didn't move, though, just sat there and glared. He was so fucking pissed off. He had been feeling like this all day and he didn't know why. Everything just irked him no matter how small, and since he knew he was just being overly sensitive he got mad at himself. He tried to think what upset him so much and he couldn't seem to figure it out, which caused him to get even more mad. It was a vicious cycle really.

"Fuck. Where's the flea when I need him?" Izaya had always been the perfect punching bag, really. The little shit was hard to catch, sure, but when he did manage to, the end result was so satisfying—especially when he left a mark on the flea's usually flawless skin. These were horrible thoughts to be having, really, but he wasn't exactly in the most docile of moods.

He stood up to go find the flea but it was as he did so that another man came into the room. This guy was a lot meaner looking and he stared hard at him but Shizuo wasn't intimidated by any means. "Heiwajima-san." It was both a greeting and an order. The aggressive high that he had been feeling vanished along with the manic grinned that at some point had appeared on his face. He felt everything about him, from his mood to his body, just…deflate.

Right…_that's_ why he was mad and his life sucked.

Reality was a real bitch these days.

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**A/N: So why does his life suck? And who exactly are these nameless men? All good questions! Will I answer these right now? Of course not! ^^ I'm interested in some theories you all have. But anywho, THANK YOU to all those who have liked/favorited/followed/commented! They make me happy, they really do :) Please keep them up (especially comments because they help me keep those creative juices flowing!) See you next chapter!**


	5. Chapter 5

**I know it's been a while since I've updated. I really struggled with this chapter. Did I lose you guys? ^^' Hopefully since it's longer it makes up for the wait, eh?**

**Oh, and just to rehash the warning: this is an _M_ rated fic and it is _MxM_ you know, hint, hint, nudge, nudge ^_^**

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"I'm leaving you."

This was said by a cold windowsill in an upscale apartment in Shinjuku. Orihara Izaya was staring outside, watching as the snow floated to the ground. It was night, the city below him lit up and completing the rather stunning picture. People walked to and fro below him, families taking their children out to play in the slush; business men and women hurrying home, cursing the skies in the process as the chill settled into their bones; stray animals frantically scavenged for shelter. The roads blackened as the moisture settled in. As the snow slowly began to pile up, the roads disappeared beneath the white-now-turned-grey slush. The silent snow was no longer silent now as people, animals, and vehicles of all kinds squelched through it. It was quite a beautiful, ugly picture. Somebody would die in that snow tonight, Izaya decided rather cynically. He was not in the best of moods.

On the other line, nothing but a faint buzzing of the connection greeted him. Then, after a long moment there was a soft snort. "Heh. You're cute."

This was what made Izaya's lips pull into a light frown. First of all he was not cute. Attractive, sure, he would grant that. But there was nothing about a twenty-three year old man a person would find cute. He would even grant that at times he could be found endearing. Second of all, definition of the word aside, it was the patronizing tone that was really the greater part of his irritation.

"I'm being serious." He was. He was dead serious. He could not be more sure of this decision. It wasn't something he had decided out of the blue. He had been tossing the idea around for quite some time now.

"Sure, flea. How many times have you said that now?"

Alright he would give him that. This wasn't the first time the topic had come up. On a handful of previous occasions, Izaya had said the same thing. Each time he had been serious, each time he had been so sure of his decision, but somehow he had managed to be swayed into staying. It was a cause of both his curious nature and Shizuo's persistence. This time, though, he was going to leave. He was going to get out—"get out" being used rather loosely for there was nothing to really "get out" of. After all, there was no real relationship between them. Not in Izaya's eyes anyway. He was merely an actor tired of his role. Playing with Shizuo on the deepest of levels had been fun, but he was getting sick of the damage that followed. Putting his health on the line for a bit of sport was not worth it so much anymore.

"Regardless, I've made up my mind. You will not change it." He was damn sure of it.

"Uh-huh." The careless way Shizuo took the news set Izaya's teeth to grate. The protozoan truly did not believe him in the least. Or at any rate the idiot could be a little more...upset. Seriously, Izaya had spent three years climbing up Shizuo's ladder of respect, trying to dig himself into the man's very being, and yet all that seemed null and void with the way he was handling the news. Izaya wasn't sure whether his words were settling in or if he actually just didn't care. If it were the latter he felt like he would throw something. He did not just take three years of an up and down roller coaster ride for nothing. Oh hell no.

"Whether or not Shizu-chan believes me makes no difference. Anyway, that's the reason I called. The next time you see me we'll be bitter enemies once more. It's something I rather look forward to."

"Coward."

Izaya grinned. "Maybe so. But I'm not trying to impress you, Shizu-chan. Maybe you just mean so little to me that a proper face-to-face conversation is just not worth my time? I'm a busy person after all."

There was a growl on the other end which made Izaya grin a little wider. He was playing with fire by saying something like that, but he couldn't help himself. "Izaya—"

"Goodbye, Shizu-chan." He hung up before he could give the protozoan a chance to talk. He didn't want to hear whatever partially coherent thing he managed to get out through those surely gritted teeth of his. His smile slowly faded along with his desire to stand up. He slid to the floor, looking out at the city below him. Nothing had quieted in the short time he had been on the phone. It was a bit of a relief considering he liked the idea of a distraction.

Alright, so he wasn't being completely honest with himself. While it was true that whatever Shizuo had to say was of little importance in the grand scheme of things, Izaya still felt the need to hide from his rebuffing argument. Oddly enough, the man who was bad with words knew exactly what to say to keep him there. He somehow managed to be eloquent in a brutish way.

So he was right. Izaya was being a coward. He broke up with him over the phone because he didn't want to get drawn back in again. Not being able to see his face or be within his reach made it that much easier. He learned that from previous experiences trying to get away. He had known the protozoan would latch on to the only "good" thing in his life, but the lengths that he actually went to were simply baffling sometimes. Shizu-chan had originally pleaded, groveled, at him in hopes that it would work, but he quickly figured out that Izaya was disgusted with such behavior. So what did he do instead? He turned to aggression. He utilized his brute strength because he knew it would work.

And honestly how could it not? Izaya knew he would never be able to physically overpower Shizuo—at least not without a considerable amount of help. Not to mention Izaya got a kick out of the physical domination. It was thrilling to him, and not really in a sexual sense. Izaya did not love Shizuo. He could not because he was not the type of person that was able to form emotional attachments to one person. However, there was something that he loved _about_ Shizuo: he loved his raw, vicious strength. It was simple really. He loved all of humanity, all of its purity and nastiness, his favorite part being the darkness within. He liked to pull it to the surface with crafty words so everyone could see it within themselves and appreciate it. Shizuo's monstrous strength was the metaphor to all the ugliness in the world and he was the metaphorical person with the power to unleash it. It was in the way he carried it with him, the way he was unable to really control it, and it was the utter guilt and hopelessness that he felt after he used it. He was a monster who personified all that was wrong with the world—"wrong" also being used loosely because Izaya's morals were skewed. This was what drew him to the man in the bartender suit. This was what he loved.

The actual man himself, the monster behind the metaphor meant very little to Izaya. The lack of affection was not what made Izaya decide to end this stage in the game, this experiment started for the sake of curiosity. It was because his dear monster was starting to change. In his experiment he had learned some things about Shizuo. The first was that when the protozoan was in a relationship with _him_ it brought out the worst. It turned him into one disgusting animal indeed as hate and lust battled each other. The instincts to kill an enemy and establish a realm of domesticity warred within, leaving him unsure of how to proceed—the fallout being what everyone around them labeled as domestic abuse. The second thing Izaya had learned was that when his monster was in a relationship in general it purified him. Of course this was not an overnight thing. It was a long process that cleaned out the skeletons and the dusty corners of his being, but the result was inevitable. Shizuo would become good. The reason why Izaya could confidently come to this conclusion was because Shizuo was trying for _him_. Shizuo was _trying_ to be better for him. It was not perfect but progress had not gone unnoticed.

This was why Izaya wanted to put an end to this joke of a relationship. He could not let the beast become good. In a way, it was like stopping humanity from ever reaching the point that it had always reached for: an end to darkness. Izaya could not allow something like that. There always had to be nasty, ugly, scary, disgusting, horrible, unsightly, appalling, horrendous, despicable, gut-wrenching darkness. Always.

The door burst open.

Izaya whipped his head to the side to see Shizuo standing just inside the doorway, his fist still out from punching the door. "Shizu-chan…" he said in quiet surprise. He knew that at some point the protozoan would pay him a visit. The bigger question was why he hadn't tried to avoid it for as long as possible.

"Shut the fuck up," Shizuo snapped. He stomped into the room, stopping right in front of Izaya. Because of their positions, Izaya had to crane his neck to see his face. It was only slightly intimidating. He felt himself tense in preparation to escape, but there wasn't much he could do since he was trapped right against the window.

"What are you doing here?" Izaya asked, making sure to maintain a reasonable tone as his hand discreetly inched into his pocket where he kept his knife. "Are you having trouble processing the fact that I broke up with you?"

"Like hell I'm going to let you do something like that over the phone," he said with a menacing glare. "Who the fuck does that? It's so tactless!"

Izaya blinked. "That's what you're so upset about?" _No way. Come on you idiot, you could act like you cared about me a little more. The point was for you to never want to let me go, dammit. Love me with everything you have so it's that much easier to break you._

"And one other thing," Shizuo said, his voice low and dangerous sounding. He gripped Izaya by the front of his shirt and lifted him up so that they were face to face, inches apart. Izaya didn't try to fight him, opting to let himself be dead weight. "What makes you think I'm gonna let you go without a fight, ah?"

A Cheshire grin spread across his face at this and Shizuo frowned further in return. Now that was what he had been wanting to hear. That's what he was after. Izaya fiddled with his knife in his pocket, clicking it in and out while he spoke. "Shizu-chan's so sweet. But what makes _you_ think I'll stay no matter how hard you try?"

"Because I know you won't be able leave."

Izaya eyed him curiously, though his grin was still in place. "My, so confident."

The space between them crackled with the tension as neither dropped their confrontational gazes. It was all up to Shizuo right now since Izaya was in no place to move. _Come on, Shizu-chan. Make me stay. Give me everything you've got. Let me break you beyond repair; let me erase all that's good within you. _

Their lips mashed together when Shizuo pulled Izaya forward at the same time that Izaya eagerly moved to meet him. It was angry and frenzied, their tongues battling for dominance, their breath mingling together. The static tension raced between them as the moment was far from being broken. Izaya opened his eyes to find Shizuo was already staring him down. Their kiss didn't break, each daring the other to make the first move. This was more than passion between them. This was a game to test who had the weakest resolve.

Shizuo's golden eyes seared into his own, the intensity in it causing a shiver of excitement to roll down his spine. He noticed how Shizuo met every challenge he made head on. He not only kept up with each flick of the tongue, each nip of the lip but he also added challenges of his own. He would force Izaya's tongue into submission one moment, trapping it between his teeth, and then he would let him go. He was taunting Izaya because they both knew who would win in the physical game.

Izaya's hand went up to Shizuo's face, his fingers brushing his cheek lightly before he slid it back behind his head to twine his fingers into fine blonde hair. It was a slow, sensual movement that caused the tension between them to deepen into something else, something more than a challenge. Izaya sensed that change and took the opportunity to shatter the moment. He flashed his knife out of his pocket at the same time that he pulled away. In the brief moment that Shizuo had moved forward to reconnect their lips, Izaya's knife was brought up to his neck, the blade stopping him from advancing.

They were still inches from each other, their breath mingling together. Shizuo's gaze didn't once falter and Izaya could see that his knife wasn't that much of a deterrent. It would take much more than a cut to the throat to keep him from getting what he wanted.

He smirked. _That's right. Want me, Shizu-chan._

Shizuo now held Izaya up with one hand since he grabbed the blade of the knife and pushed it away from his throat with his other. "You aren't leaving me, Izaya," he told him calmly, with a grin of his own. "Fight all you want, but I won't let you."

His voice, low with determination and desire, resonated within Izaya's being. He pushed back against Shizuo's hand, trying to free his weapon but it was futile. "You can't make me stay, Shizu-chan," he said simply.

Shizuo's hand curled around the knife and with little effort he had rendered the pocket knife utterly useless. Holding his gaze, he easily removed it from Izaya's grasp and tossed it to the floor. "Guess I'll have to convince you, then."

Izaya was pulled into another fervent kiss. He wanted to resist, but he didn't. There was a part of him that wanted this, too. It was why he hadn't hid out at a random hotel after that phone call. Izaya did have every intention to leave him, but on a level he was also reluctant to go. There was a part of him that wanted to be convinced to stay. This was why his body was so willing beneath Shizuo's rough touch. This was why it was so hard to go. He could battle with Shizuo, but it was hard to battle himself.

At some point they had moved to Izaya's bedroom where he was pushed down onto his bed. He grabbed the front of Shizuo's shirt and pulled him on top of him. Shizuo kissed down his neck, stopping just above the junction between his neck and shoulder. He bit down hard and Izaya knew through the sharp pain that there would be a mark in the morning. Such a brute.

Shizuo worked Izaya's shirt off expertly, doing his best not rip it—which was something Izaya appreciated. He really despised when the idiot ripped his clothes in his eagerness. Once the shirt was tossed to the floor, Shizuo's hands roamed across his smooth skin and he arched into the touch. Just the feel of Shizuo touching him caused a slow burn to gather across his skin. Izaya could see that he was being gentle with him, which he supposed made sense. After all it did no good to hurt the person you were trying to convince to stay.

Shizuo pulled him into another kiss while Izaya expertly worked at the buttons of his shirt. He took his time sliding it off, taking care to feel the lithe muscles of his shoulders and back in the process. Just the thought of how close he was to such immense power, that delicate balance between being broken in a second and remaining whole, sent excitement through his veins. Their tongues battled for dominance, but this time it was a slow, sensual dance rather than a game. Izaya shivered slightly. There was just something so damn addicting about Shizuo's lips, the way he kissed. The brute wasn't great with words, but when he put that mouth to use for something more physical he was a real expert.

Izaya felt his body heating up under Shizuo's touch and it wasn't long before he wanted more of the man. His hips bucked lightly up against him, a nonverbal way of saying that his mouth wasn't the only thing that wanted attention. In response Shizuo slid his hand down pale, smooth skin to the hem of his pants. He quickly made work of the button and Izaya felt only minimal relief when he wasn't constricted anymore.

Shizuo's mouth went from Izaya's lips, down his neck, and to a nipple where he licked and nipped at the sensitive bud. Izaya's hands went to his hair, his grip tightening. He pressed him closer against him to heighten the burning sensation. His head fell back and his eyes closed, reveling in the pleasure.

At the same time, Shizuo slid both Izaya's pants and boxers down. Cool air wafted across his heated erection only to soon be replaced with Shizuo's equally heated hand. He pumped Izaya slowly, and he had to bite the inside of his cheek to keep from making a sound. The lack of response caused Shizuo to look up, where he saw that shit eating grin he hated so much. "It'll take more than that to make me stay, protozoan," Izaya said, his voice a bit breathless. If this was the sort of convincing Shizuo wanted to play, then he would have to work for any indication that Izaya was enjoying himself.

Shizuo growled slightly, accepting the challenge. He bit down on his nipple and Izaya jolted, his eyes scrunching shut, now biting his tongue so he wouldn't make a noise. Sneaky, but no dice.

Shizuo's strokes slowed incrementally. The only reason why Izaya knew this was because he was getting less satisfied and more frustrated. His entire body was on edge. He wanted more, more touch, more friction, but he wasn't finding it with Shizuo's hand. His hips bucked against him in an attempt to ease the frustration. Then it occurred to him that something was off. Shizuo felt less responsive than before.

Opening his eyes curiously he saw Shizuo watching him with an amused smile. He had stopped his ministrations completely, having opted to watch Izaya writhe beneath him, all needy and unfulfilled. It was clear that he didn't need to make a sound for Shizuo to know that Izaya wanted him—needed him now. Shizuo knew what game Izaya was playing and he knew how to thwart him.

It pissed him off.

"I can finish myself if you want," he glared. "I don't need you for that."

Shizuo nodded, giving him that one. He leaned in and spoke in Izaya's ear. "But finger fucking yourself just doesn't really compare to me. You know that."

The mere thought of Shizuo inside him caused heat to slide across his skin and his erection to throb. It was true. They both knew it. That didn't mean Izaya wanted to concede that to him. "Are you gonna get on with it or not?" He asked grumpily.

"I can hold you hear all night, Izaya-kun," he said, drawing his name out. It was a threat.

Izaya would have liked to brush it off with a carefree shrug and leave, but he couldn't even if Shizuo hadn't been holding him there. He was hot and frustrated and his lust filled brain was already filled with nothing but Shizuo. He couldn't walk away. Not now. Dammit. Shit. Fuck.

Fine.

He covered Shizuo's hand with his own and pumped himself. He leaned in, gazing at him with heated eyes. "I _want_ you Shizuo. _So bad. Please._" He moaned this against his mouth, arching up against him, his hand winding into his hair.

"That's better," Shizuo replied, his tone triumphant. Tch. Power hungry asshole.

Shizuo kissed him back, his hand re-taking control and setting a faster pace. "Ah…!" Izaya moaned into his mouth. Alright so his original plan hadn't worked and he was forced to give in. As long as he got what he wanted in the end then a little pride bending wasn't going to kill him.

"Nnngh…! F-faster…" he panted. Shizuo complied, his grip tightening and the pace picked up. Izaya felt the ball of heat in his gut tighten. He whimpered against Shizuo's demanding lips for more. He climaxed, and a white haze took over his vision. "Ahh…!" Shizuo didn't let him break the kiss, letting him moan into his mouth, muffling the noise of his orgasm.

Izaya pulled away, taking a moment to catch his breath. Shizuo kissed at his collarbone, taking the opportunity to make as many possessive marks as he could. Izaya let him, lolling his head back to give him better access. "Turn around," Shizuo said against his ear. Izaya complied, anticipation stirring. He felt the bed move as Shizuo reached over to grab the bottle of lube that Izaya always kept in his nightstand. The cap snapped open and he took a deep breath, relaxing himself as much as he could.

Shizuo firmly grabbed him and moments later Izaya felt the first of his fingers intrude into him. "Nnnngh…!" He bit his lip and his fist clenched. The first finger was always the worst.

"Relax," Shizuo breathed against his ear.

"Tch. Why don't I try shoving something up your ass for a change?" Izaya said aggressively. One usually wasn't in the most docile of moods when their ass was penetrated.

Shizuo responded by pushing his finger in sooner than Izaya was ready for. He sucked in a breath. Ouch. "Be nice, Izaya-kun. You're at my mercy right now."

"Heh. How sexy," Izaya said sarcastically. He knew that the brute didn't say it to be. More than anything it was a warning.

Shizuo gave Izaya time to adjust before he slowly pumped his finger in and out slowly. When he felt him relax further, he added a second finger, and then a third. The pain had by that point turned into a pleasant burn and Izaya felt himself hardening beneath Shizuo's touch. "More…" Izaya breathed. Shizuo didn't respond, he merely continued with his ministrations while deliberately avoiding his sweet spot.

Finally, Izaya reached back and grabbed his hand. "That's enough," he panted. "I need you. Now." Izaya didn't need to look back to know there was a cocky smirk on Shizuo's face. He kind of wished he could, though because he loved—shit, no he _liked_ that expression. The lust was starting to talk for him.

Shizuo removed his fingers and, after lubing himself up, replaced them with something much more…substantial. Izaya breathed in. Shizuo pushed himself in and Izaya moaned. God, yes.

Shizuo gave Izaya one second to get used to him until he moved, thrusting into him with a dominating rhythm, and in no time at all he had found Izaya's prostate. "AH!" He threw his head back. "Do that again," he demanded. And Shizuo did. Again, and again, and again. He pounded into him and each thrust had Izaya moaning louder, demanding more of him: faster, harder. Shizuo reached down and grabbed his erection, pumping him out of sync with his thrusts to drive Izaya crazy. His stomach clenched and he came, pleasure completely overcoming his senses. He cried out, and then fell back against his pillow, panting heavily. Shizuo thrusted a few more times before coming inside of him. The feeling of being completely full was utterly satisfying and Izaya rode out his orgasm with the utter knowledge that _this_ was why he had kept Shizuo around for so long.

They lay there panting, their hearts beating rapidly and in sync. Shizuo pulled out and collapsed next to Izaya. They didn't talk for a while, both reveling in the afterglow. Then, Izaya spoke. "It was a noble effort, Shizu-chan, but I'm still leaving you."

Shizuo reached over and grabbed Izaya, holding him tightly against his chest. Izaya didn't reject him, he just simply let him do it. Shizuo kissed his hair. "Heh. You're cute."

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**A/N: So writing this chapter hammered in that writing smut is not my thing. More than anything it's kind of embarrassing. Sorry guys! That aside, we're just about to the turning point of the fic so that's exciting! Please review! You guys slacked off last time -_- (^^) I'll see you next chapter!**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Wow it's been a little while, hasn't it? I apologize for that. I had a hard time hopping out of my writer's block long enough to get this chapter out. Well, I just want to thank everyone who has shown this story some love and I'll see you next chapter~! **

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[…Shizuo?]

It took more than several seconds for Shizuo to register that he was being addressed, and then several more for his eyes to focus and his brain to deem the characters in front of him worthy of his attention. When all of these prerequisites for conversation were cleared, Shizuo's eyes merely went from the screen in front of them to the headless woman that held it. He didn't say anything, just stared. He wasn't having the best of days. Quite frankly, he was depressed.

[It's been a while…] Celty's fingers were hesitant when she typed, slow. Her friend's lack of response made her unsure of whether or not to proceed or just come back another day. To think that maybe the latter would be best seriously concerned her. It had taken a lot of courage to come see him, and she was afraid she wouldn't have enough to come back once she left. Shizuo's continued lack of response further discouraged her.

He could see the awkward words typed with awkward fingers onto the black PDA, he could comprehend them, but nothing within him was moved enough to respond. In his own right, this threw him off kilter. Here was his best friend, someone he hadn't seen in who knew how long, and yet there was no boost to get him to contribute to the conversation. He was lethargic, and he just wanted to lie down. It wasn't right, he knew, but he could think of nothing to be done about it. His emotions wreaked havoc on his body and mind—it was something he was entirely used to—but these days he was left without control. Like he was forcibly switched to autopilot and there was no way to turn it off. He was on constant loop, going high enough to stabilize before flat lining in an instant. He was stuck, broken, and so far he couldn't figure out how to be fixed—nobody could.

Silence hung between them.

[…are you eating okay?]

When had his last meal been? It couldn't have been too long ago, right? A quick internal check confirmed that his stomach did not pang with hunger, but that meant little when he thought about it. Didn't he have a high pain tolerance to begin with? And that aside, could he confidently say he was eating "okay"? No, he couldn't_._

Celty's fingers wiggled nervously over her keyboard. She was quickly running out of things to ask—she wasn't sure if there was any right thing _to_ ask, and the constant screening of her questions beforehand made things worse. Technically everything could be the wrong thing to ask, to say. It left her stuck, and Shizuo wasn't helping—not that she expected him to, it was only fair that he did sit there and say nothing.

"One minute," was sternly alerted from behind her. She nodded her helmet in recognition of the man's warning, but didn't turn around.

[Shinra says hello.] It was the closest innocent thing she could think of, but unfortunately she knew it would do nothing to raise her friend's spirits, which had been one of the points of this visit. It stung her to know that she was failing miserably. It was just…she didn't know how to talk to him anymore. It wasn't right of her to think so, but she couldn't shake the feeling that this was a different Shizuo entirely, not the one she knew how to relate to.

[…take care, okay?] This was typed with dejected characters—if written words had feeling. She stood up, patted his hand that rested limply on the table and left. The drawn out silences between them during her visit now felt like wasted time. She couldn't even bring herself to tell him that she would come back. The fact that she honestly questioned what should have been obvious was probably the worst part.

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"Dear oh dear you don't look so good," tsked the man that now sat in front of Shizuo. It was the same man, the same one that could so easily get on his nerves at any moment, but continued to come back despite that. The same one that kept asking all of those damn questions.

"Fuck off," Shizuo muttered, but there was no bite to it. He had no energy for it, his slumped posture revealing as much.

"What's got you so down this time?" The man tilted his head to the side. Somewhere Shizuo noted that the guy seemed a bit more cheerful today, and that simple fact brought a frown to his face. Nobody should be allowed to be happy. It wasn't fair, but he wasn't feeling the most allowing. Obviously.

"You're here again." He said this just for spite, and the man before him picked up on it. He had been talking to Shizuo long enough to understand him now.

"Do you dislike me, Heiwajima-san?"

"…" Shizuo couldn't say yes because this guy was the only person he had really talked to in this place. He didn't think it would have happened, but in an odd sort of way the guy provided a level of comfort. He had proven on multiple occasions that despite having heavy objects get lobbed at his head, he always came back. Much like the flea in a way, but he was much less annoying about it. "What do you mean 'this time'?" Shizuo grumbled instead, the implications of the man's previous statement now catching his attention.

"You aren't the most cheerful of people," the man stated bluntly, though there was no snide presence or ill intention in his words. There was an incredulous pause as Shizuo very pointedly looked around the room they were in. Put simply, it was bleak, made of nothing but concrete, and had one window. Honestly. Could somebody legitimately be a cheerful person here? Sitting in the room alone dragged him down even without the sudden onslaught of depression. The man chuckled, getting the point. "Alright, alright, I understand what you mean."

"Can I go home?" His question held not only a twinge of annoyance but also underlying desperation. It wasn't often that he cared where he was, no place felt warm and comfortable, but it suddenly hit him how much he missed his own bed, even if his place was haunted by his demons.

The man in front of him sighed a bit awkwardly, an empathetic smile on his face. "You cannot, Heiwajima-san. I'm sorry, but that's the judge's ruling."

"I didn't do anything wrong," he growled, getting real tired of having to repeat that. "The flea framed me."

"…" The man scratched the back of his head. "Heiwajima-san, you must understand—"

"Come on, I've told you all about him. Is it so hard to believe?" It shouldn't have been. It should have been automatically agreed that it was perfectly reasonable for Izaya to pull this shit. Even without a recount of his personal experiences with the bastard to confirm it was within his character, it was common knowledge that he had done it before on a few other occasions. So why was this time so different?

"Why is it that you want to go home all of a sudden? You've never shown an interest before."

"I'm tired," Shizuo said, staring him in the eye. "I'm tired of this. Prison is not my thing, okay? I want to go home."

"Heiwajima-san—"

"I get it, okay? I know how it looks," he ran his palm down his face, scrunching his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose. "He disappears all of a sudden and not a soul has heard from him, his place is trashed, and there's blood everywhere. The only thing left is a cute little thank you note addressed to me," it so wasn't cute for the record. "But can't you see that he's just fucking around with me? Yeah, we had a fight, it got kinda nasty, but what's the big deal? That's been happening since high school. He broke up with me, I got mad, we fought, and that was all that happened. I didn't do anything wrong."

"…then let's go over that one more time. Start from the beginning and tell me about it."

Shizuo grabbed at his hair, feeling the tug as he fought the urge to rip his hair out. "Going over this again and again is not helping me."

"Then what will? What will help your depression?" The man challenged.

"I wasn't talking about that. I was talking about getting out of here," he snapped. However it wasn't until he said that, that Shizuo realized how much he wanted that type of help. He was tired of the ups and downs. He wanted things to go back to normal. He was sick of the hole in his gut and the constriction of his heart. He was sick of the lethargy and he was sick of not caring.

The man ignored him and pressed on. "Why are you depressed?"

"I don't know," he growled and gripped his hair tighter.

"Why are you depressed?" He asked again.

"I said I don't know," he glared at him.

Not taking that for an answer, he asked again. "Why are you depressed?"

"I don't know!" He slammed his palms down onto the table with a resounding thwack, his hands fisting where they landed.

"Why are you—"

"I miss Izaya, okay?!" He shouted, the words out of his mouth before he consciously recognized them as the truth. He felt a cold feeling trickle down his insides when the weight of that truth sank in to the nth degree.

He really, really missed him.

He ground his teeth together, making a 'tsk' sound through them. The very idea that after all the shit he was put through, and he still loved him and missed him pissed him off astoundingly.

Satisfied with that answer, the man nodded. "I'm trying to help you find him. So tell me again, starting from the beginning, what happened."


End file.
